In 2024, a team of psychologists at the University of Amsterdam in the Netherlands tested a seemingly simple idea: can 14 specially designed questions asked by parents help children feel more loved by them?
The experiment was based on well-supported psychological findings: as the researchers noted in their publication, feeling loved by parents is “critically important for children’s health and well-being.” So finding ways to support that feeling has the potential to benefit families in many ways.
Previous experiments with adults by other scientists have shown that asking the right questions helps people feel more connected to each other. This method, known as the “fast friends procedure,” has been widely used throughout the communication world. In adults, this procedure has been successfully replicated in many different contexts. But will it work for parent-child communication?
Eddy Brummelman, a developmental and social psychologist at the University of Amsterdam, and his colleagues tested this by adapting questions from the classic rapid-fire communication procedure for children aged 8 to 13 and their parents. They then organised a parent-child communication in which parents asked their children the following questions:
The children then completed a simple questionnaire to assess how much love and support they felt before and after discussing problems with their parents.
The discussion lasted just nine minutes, but the children’s scores were significantly higher at the end of the experiment – suggesting that the procedure did nonetheless encourage family members to show their fears and vulnerabilities.
“Instead of only talking about holidays or work, parents and children discussed death, for example,” he says. “This encouraged them to discuss topics that really mattered.”
The results are consistent with previous psychological research on the effects of “self-disclosure” – sharing personal or private information during a conversation. Research for decades has shown that self-disclosure creates a sense of intimacy between strangers, students and colleagues.
A quick path to intimacy
A popular New York Times article studied self-disclosure in dating, focusing on 36 specific questions.
The journalist argued that discussing them could help people fall in love. But this principle may To test the hypothesis, they prepared two sets of questions: one was general questions for everyday conversations, the other was deep, personal, transformative moments or thoughts.
Participants were divided into pairs who discussed the series of questions for 45 minutes. Half of the pairs were given questions for common conversations such as:
These were perfectly valid questions, but they did not delve into the person’s inner life.
Other participants received more in-depth questions such as:
This was a prerequisite for high self-disclosure, which encouraged discussion of personal thoughts, feelings and experiences.
After 45 minutes, participants were asked a series of questions to rate how close they were to their partner on a scale of one to seven, and the scores were then averaged for a final score.
On this scale, those who conducted deep m replicated in many other studies. For example, Susan Sprecher of the University of Illinois recently tested the procedure on more than 100 pairs of students, some who met in person and others who chatted online.
“People felt greater intimacy whether they were communicating via video link or live chat,” she says.
The opioid effect
The warm feeling when connecting with others comes from the brain’s opioid system. This is the same part of the brain that responds to morphine, but the brain also produces its own chemicals – endorphins – that interact with these receptors.
When this system is activated, it produces pleasurable feelings such as euphoria, as well as feelings of social connection and closeness. Animal studies show that social activities, such as playing and grooming, are one of thousands of intimate feelings and less pleasant conversations.
This physiology explains why we enjoy deep, meaningful conversations that increase intimacy over time.
Healing the Breakup
Recent studies have shown that the “fast friends” procedure can improve communication between people from different social groups and even work across distance.
For example, a team of researchers from the University of Hagen, Germany, tested whether the procedure helps students complete a distance learning course because such courses often have a high dropout rate. The researchers offered an online version of the assignment to 855 psychology students.
As expected, the procedure not only increased the sense of social connection between virtual classmates, but also contributed to more students who i. These fears proved to be almost unfounded.
How to have a conversation
In her online classes, Susan Sprecher advises students to use the method with people they already know – parents, friends, partners – and then talk about the results.
Some case studies also show that people just love it,” she says.
Some even believe it can help with love.
‘I have a friend whose daughter did it on their first date. They’re married now,” Sprecher adds.
In everyday conversations, it’s not necessary to stick strictly to specific questions – it’s more important to apply the principle of self-disclosure in general, the researchers advise.