Between deadlines, schoolwork, and everyday conversations like “what’s for dinner?” even the best relationships can be on autopilot.
This doesn’t mean that the spark has gone out or that you’ve stopped loving your partner, but rather that life has made adjustments.
Writer Nell Frizzell is well aware of this – after 10 years with a partner and two young children, she admits she doesn’t have as much time or energy for her husband as she used to.
“I know we’re told to focus on quality time together, physical touch and gazing tenderly into each other’s eyes, but really I’m just shouting at the man ‘turn the eggs off on the hob’.”
Frizzell says she is going through a “life crisis.” Her time, body and attention are being torn in all directions – she’s raising children, caring for elderly dating, “when you’re sitting across from the person you live with and trying to figure out what to talk about,” can be stressful. While other people bring a fresh perspective and topics of conversation.
Frizzell says, “Howling becomes incredibly attractive to me when I see other people ask him questions I wouldn’t have thought of or tell him things I wouldn’t have told him.”
Photo by Nell Frizzell
Psychotherapist Suzanne Abse says a little space and variety can be vital to a successful relationship.
“Couples can move around each other all the time but avoid real contact,” she says.
Really observing your partner can make a big difference.
“Instead of going home and doing a million things, ask you both to agree.”
Planning for sex
It’s almost impossible to talk about keeping the spark alive without mentioning physical intimacy, and Frizzell says the solution is in the planning stages.
“While this planning may not seem overly romantic, with young children it’s an absolute necessity and you start to look forward to it.”
Abse agrees with this practical approach and says that if you’re not having sex, “you should be aware of the risks” because “infidelity often stems from unmet needs.”
When we’re short on time or busy, sex can be one of the first things to disappear, but Abse says you should try to “convince yourself.”
“You may not go to bed feeling particularly sexy, but perhaps your partner’s attention can change that.”
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